As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #30

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #29

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #28

mbpolitics.com

mbpolitics

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #27

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read: pastor's ass out front.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the local paper headline read: bishop scratches pastor's ass.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: nun has the best ass in town.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.the next day the paper read: nun sells ass for $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: nun announces her ass is wild and free.

Alas;...... The bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story?? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass, and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #26

The Blind Mans Blonde Joke


A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind
guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the
woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to
your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.

Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #25

YOUR AGE IN CHOCOLATE


I don't have a clue how this works, but it does !

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!


YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


This is pretty neat.


DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute.

Work this out as you read.

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator


5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ...

If you haven't, add 1755.


6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.


You should have a three digit number


The first digit of this was your original number

(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).


The next two numbers are


YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #24

Some handy tips.......


Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.!
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

------------------------

How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.
Don't block the TV.

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #23

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly,

"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #22

Santa does whatever you ask him to do. Ho Ho Ho!

Subservient Santa

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #21

Subject: Christmas Carols for Psychiatric Disorders


Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores andOffice and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks
and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoia --- Santa Claus is Coming.... to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You'd Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #20

The pictures of MARS amused me so much I just had to write about it.

THE QUEST

Alien terrain it wanders over,
We are you Spirit rover!
Traveling for the human race,
Sending pictures back from space.

Color cameras now this time,
Amazing images sublime!
Streaming information flood,
Sending frames in hues of blood.

The rocks are big; the rocks are small,
The rocks and short; the rocks are tall,
They’re not alive; they are not dead,
But they are rocks and they are red.

Not any simple jagged stones,
Just think of them as Martian bones.
The sweat of years of human age,
And now I hear they’re all the rage!

Bradbury now and Heinlein too,
Can see the story; sad but true,
Mankind’s legacy; no shock,
We spent our money on that rock!


Lynda aka mztry aka NEPTOON!

http://www.random-acts.net



Random Acts

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #19

Hi, I'm Kip Grunska. As a member of Battery A, Third Regiment of New Mexico, I would like to inform you of a book which I have written concerning my experiences as a reenactor in Civil War reenactments. It is called From Farb to Pard, and tells about my stupid but funny actions in various battles. It can be previewed at www.ahhbooks.com , along with several other humorous books which I have written about my career in the prison system. They can all be purchased thru www.amazon.com or Barnes and Noble at www.bn.com
.
If you have a newsletter or meet together as a club, I would appreciate it if you would share this information with them. I hope you will tell others in your company about my book, which I think they will find humorous and enjoyable to read. Better yet, if you could link it with your website, that would be a real bonus for me and I would be very grateful
Can you tell me how you got your website on the search engines?

Thanks for any help you can offer me. mnw@ahhbooks.com

Kip M. Grunska


From Farb to Pard

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #18

Two new pages for your time-wasting pleasure:

<a href="http://www.stupidstuff.org/main/superhero.htm"><b>Be a Superhero!</b></a>
You can be a Superhero, no matter what your girlfriend, wife, or psychiatrist says.


<a href="http://www.stupidstuff.org/main/creative01.htm"><b>Creative Ability Test</b></a>
No, you can't think outside the box, and this pretty much proves it.
Kelly

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #17

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Brute force.

Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.





Michael

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #16

Technology Challange

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed
to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it
and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that
one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I
replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said, "Yeah, that's
it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons.
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it
was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet......is 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: [click]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
(It turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his
spaceship)
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
[Tech note: And we let these people drive vehicles ???!!!]


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a
message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been
altered to fit your television screen." A person in the room
commented: "How do they know what size screen I have?"


Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #15

Three blondes died in a car crash and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #14

Overworked!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #13

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He asks, solicitously, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary that's terrible. Tell me, did he
have any last requests?"
She replies, "Aye, that he did Father..."
The priest asks, "And what did he request?"
Mary answers, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun.'"
Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #12

Things I've learned
I've learned that I like my teacher because
she cries when we sing 'Silent Night'. - Age 6

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk. - Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the
country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. -
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up. - Age 13

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up,
you should try cheering someone else up. - Age14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it,
I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. - Age15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
- Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's pleasures. -
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's
worst drivers have followed me there. - Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it. - Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it. - Age 41

I've learned that you can make some one's day
by simply sending them a little card. - Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt,
the greater his need to cast blame on others. - Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. - Age 47

I've learned that singing 'Amazing Grace' can lift my spirits for hours. -
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the
phone. - Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a
man by the way he handles these three things:
a rainy day,
lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights. - Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet
full of pills. - Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you miss them terribly after they die. - Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. -
Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. - Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both
hands.
You need to be able to throw something back. - Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. - Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide to do something with kindness,
I usually make the right decision. - Age 68

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. - Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles.
And to tell the truth, I've seen several. - Age 73

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. - Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch - holding hands a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back. - Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. - Age 92

I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile!


Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #11

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of religious service when she was startled by an
intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her
home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!"
(turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what
she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him
in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?
All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?", replied the burglar. "She said she had an
AXE and two 38's!"



Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #10

Courtroom quotes


Unbelievable, but these are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
These are things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Patricia

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #9

The following came from an anonymous mother.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Sue MacDonald

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #8

Top 10 Differences Between Men and Women:


1. A man will pay for a item he wants. A woman will pay for a item that she
doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage
and after marriage.


Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #7

Here are some great bumper stickers:


1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

9) BEER:It's not just for breakfast anymore.

10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute

12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

16) My kid had sex with your honor student.

17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.

18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling

like the passengers in his car.

23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

36) CAT----- The Other White Meat

37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?

40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.

41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles

42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.

Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #6

From the Warped Mind of Steven Wright

* All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils,pick the one you've never tried before.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #5

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages,
but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #4

Blonde jokes. (Caviet Emptor)

* * *

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
- she called me to get my phone number.

- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- she tried to drown a fish.

- she thought a quarterback was a refund.

- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.

- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

- she tripped over a cordless phone.

- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."

- she asked for a price check at the Pound Shop.

- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

- she studied for a blood test.

- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

- she sold the car for gas money.

- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #3

If you need a chuckle.....(Stolen from netpond)

* * *

Answering machine At A Mental Hospital


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred, to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to
talk to you."

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.


Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #2

(With apologies to Laugh.com, where this was found. SL)

* * *

40 Things a Southerner Would Never Say


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.


Scott

Wed, Mar 31 00:56 2010 - 70.17.201.7 - message #1